by Lee Miller on February 22, 2010
Oh Darn…Dreams
Have you ever had one of those nights when you quasi-slept and it was mixed with dreams? That was my Saturday night.
These dreams were frustrating and even kind of on the dark side. When I woke up, I felt a myriad of feelings–and one burning question. Weren’t you done with this stuff?
Triggers & Other Fun Stuff
One conversation. That’s all it took to bring it all back.
I called my grandson in California. He is truly one of the joys of my life. We talked a bit and I could hear it—a flat affect. And it all came flooding back to me like a tsunami.
Only a little over a year ago, the lives for my son and his two kids came crashing down before their eyes. Much to my former daughter in-law’s displeasure, my son came back from Iraq alive—can you imagine? Alive.
They then moved to Japan to begin a family adventure. Adventure? Yes, but not as the family had dreamed about.
She began her own public adventure—a not-so-clandestine relationship with a married man. It was soups to nuts. And my 12-year-old grandson knew all about it. He buried himself in his computer games and anything else that would make the pain go away. He just hugged on his daddy continually.
Eventually, by no choice of his own, this wonderful boy was torn from his dad. All the time screaming, “No one asked me what I wanted.”
The Favor Line
There’s this line—albeit imaginary—called the favor line. We all have it. Who’s in? Who’s out? What’s right? What’s not? Does God love me? Does God not?
Then circumstances come and we measure with our favor lines.
Clearly my grandchildren have a favor line that exceeds my ability to even express it. But their mother…hummmm, not so much. She wanted my son dead. She cheated on my son. She took away his children. She won’t let me see them.
Where it got sticky for me was what do I do now?
Bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die!
And, more to the point, where was I on my own favor line?
Forgiveness
I knew my only choice was to forgive her. I did. And I’m glad. Her choices are hers. But my choices are mine.
So where does my dream come into this? The nugget is that much of my dreams had to do with me. I had not forgiven myself.
Forgiving others is the easy part. Forgiving ourselves is the hard part.
My personal indictment of me went something like this:
Why didn’t you do this?
You could have done this?
If only you’d done this?
You must not be a very good judge of character.
If only you’d been a better mother than this wouldn’t have happened?
You need to protect your grandkids—right now—figure it out.
She played you for 17 years and you didn’t see it.
Grace to the Max
The only thing left to do was to forgive Lee. Let me off the hook. Today. Now. Forever and ever. I did.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
Give yourself a gift today. Forgive yourself for what you believe that you might of, could of or should of done. Begin to love yourself in that way now…and fly like an eagle!
Blessings, Lee
by Lee Miller on February 16, 2010
NO. no. No. How many ways can we say No?
It Takes Courage
When I first learned that I actually could have a boundary called NO, I could hardly take it into my heart–much less my mouth.
A voice? I could have a voice? I felt like a baby who was learning to talk. It was good, but it was scary.
I thought, what kind of skill or guts would it take for me to say No? Could I ever mean it? Could I actually have a modicum of comfort with No?
It Takes Practice
It was in the 1970’s and my voice of No had long been put to death. Ridcule. Shaming. Hitting. Shunning. It all worked. It was gone. Dead. Buried.
So I was sitting on my couch. Just sitting there. Staring at the wall. Asking. Is this all there is?
Tom Walsh was a dear old priest in Arizona. He could see my pain. He was willing to show me how. And he was passionate about my right and need to resurrected my voice. My No. He say, “Just Do It, Lee!” This was a “from death to life experience” for me.
Practice, he said. Practice. And I did.
The mirror became my friend. I could say No in a billion differ ways–tone of voice, body language, my eyes. I was on a new stage of life–and it was fun. Practice was a confidence builder. I could feel the seed of Lee growing–finally.
Then came my first real No. The paperboy had been throwing our paper in the bushes. It really bugged me. How thoughtless, I thought.
He was riding by, threw the paper and into the bushes it went. It was the last straw. I vowed when he came to collect, I would practice.
The day came. My heart was pounding with fear, trepidation and uncertainty. I opened the door, looked into the young man’s eyes and said, “I would like my paper by my front door, not in the bushes.” He said, “Okay!” My first No. All the practice paid off.
And off I went. Feeling and knowing my No was valid, right and important–and mine to say. I was 30 then.
It Takes Support
Taking a new journey takes support. As you learn to give yourself permission to self-love, it’s a time of questioning.
Saying No is good, right?
Will people like me if I say No?
What do I do with the feelings as I set a No boundary?
What if they don’t like my No?
These questions represent feelings we have when we begin reclaiming ourselves. Our space. Our time. Our priorities. Our boundaries.
Saying No with a confidence in your heart is a great skill. Support can could come in many forms: a trusted friend, a book, a group. A life coach can be your champion as you begin find and use your inner voice.
Your No conversation may not be with the paperboy. But think about it. We all have that No conversation we need to have. What would saying No be a way of loving yourself?
Need support? I coach people around this very thing everyday. Check out coaching options or schedule a free 30-minute session and let’s see what can happen for you!
“The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives.” ~ Anthony Robbins
Blessings, Lee
by Lee Miller on February 7, 2010
“Clutter is anything unfinished, unused, unresolved, tolerated or disorganized.” ~ Vicky White
I read this quote on Facebook a few days ago. It’s been leaning into me ever since.
What could it mean to embrace the unfinished, the unused, the unresolved, the tolerated and the disorganized in our lives? Sounds like work, doesn’t it? But, ahhh, the rewards.
The Unfinished & Unused
If there’s an award for unfinished, I would win it. I’m a quilter. Quilters love fabric. They love to feel it, buy it, stack it, arrange it, store it, cut it and, eventually, sew it.
With that love comes a sense of responsibility–more like a burden. Sew it, Lee, sew it. I have far to many unfinished projects. Unfinished creates heaviness. A sense of obligation. A sense of waste.
The solution? I know many people and organizations that can use the fabric I have–and put it to good use. Right now. That’s the good news.
What are your areas of unfinished-ness? Anything hanging around that you’ve never used? Take action on at least one item. Finish it or give it away. I challenge you. Then just sit down, take a deep breath and enjoy how good it feels.
The Unresolved & Tolerated
Unresolved and tolerated can go in many directions. That overcharge on a bill. A conversation that needs to be finished. A business relationship that isn’t working. That broken thing.
Right now I am tolerating a desk chair that drives me crazy. I’ve known that for awhile, but I haven’t done anything about it. Tomorrow I’ll switch chair with the one upstairs. Done. Just think, I’ve tolerated this one for about 12 months. And why?
For over 25 years there was an unresolved issue between me and my sister. It was in there under the surface–in my heart. I felt responsible to clear up my part of the issue. I wrote to her, explained my concern, told her I was sorry and asked if I could make things right. Her response? She said she had never even given one ounce of thought about it–ever. Not in all the 25 years. It was a non-issue to her. I couldn’t believe it. Bingo. It was gone. Burden lifted. Lightness in heart.
Think of one thing in your life that you consider unresolved or tolerated. Minor or major…it doesn’t matter. Just tackle one. You will love the feeling of closure.
The Disorganized
Paper is my nemesis. It comes in via mail, in person, email and I generate plenty myself. It’s everywhere. I don’t want to get rid of “it” because it might come in handy some day.
Instead, it becomes a burden. Something to shuffle. To stack. To handle. And to handle again. To file. To unfile. And the beat goes on. I am working on improving this daily.
Does this sound remotely familiar?
Recognizing Your Elephant
We have energy drains. They come to us a physical or mental clutter. We have this clutter elephant around us. We adjust. We walk around it. We move it. Can you see it?
What would support you in reclaiming your space? Your energy? You?
What could you do to support others? Donate, recycle and free yourself up. It’s a win-win!
I dare you to face off with your elephant! You’ll feel like a million bucks.
Blessings, Lee
