NO. no. No. How many ways can we say No?
It Takes Courage
When I first learned that I actually could have a boundary called NO, I could hardly take it into my heart–much less my mouth.
A voice? I could have a voice? I felt like a baby who was learning to talk. It was good, but it was scary.
I thought, what kind of skill or guts would it take for me to say No? Could I ever mean it? Could I actually have a modicum of comfort with No?
It Takes Practice
It was in the 1970′s and my voice of No had long been put to death. Ridcule. Shaming. Hitting. Shunning. It all worked. It was gone. Dead. Buried.
So I was sitting on my couch. Just sitting there. Staring at the wall. Asking. Is this all there is?
Tom Walsh was a dear old priest in Arizona. He could see my pain. He was willing to show me how. And he was passionate about my right and need to resurrected my voice. My No. He say, “Just Do It, Lee!” This was a “from death to life experience” for me.
Practice, he said. Practice. And I did.
The mirror became my friend. I could say No in a billion differ ways–tone of voice, body language, my eyes. I was on a new stage of life–and it was fun. Practice was a confidence builder. I could feel the seed of Lee growing–finally.
Then came my first real No. The paperboy had been throwing our paper in the bushes. It really bugged me. How thoughtless, I thought.
He was riding by, threw the paper and into the bushes it went. It was the last straw. I vowed when he came to collect, I would practice.
The day came. My heart was pounding with fear, trepidation and uncertainty. I opened the door, looked into the young man’s eyes and said, “I would like my paper by my front door, not in the bushes.” He said, “Okay!” My first No. All the practice paid off.
And off I went. Feeling and knowing my No was valid, right and important–and mine to say. I was 30 then.
It Takes Support
Taking a new journey takes support. As you learn to give yourself permission to self-love, it’s a time of questioning.
Saying No is good, right?
Will people like me if I say No?
What do I do with the feelings as I set a No boundary?
What if they don’t like my No?
These questions represent feelings we have when we begin reclaiming ourselves. Our space. Our time. Our priorities. Our boundaries.
Saying No with a confidence in your heart is a great skill. Support can could come in many forms: a trusted friend, a book, a group. A life coach can be your champion as you begin find and use your inner voice.
Your No conversation may not be with the paperboy. But think about it. We all have that No conversation we need to have. What would saying No be a way of loving yourself?
Need support? I coach people around this very thing everyday. Check out coaching options or schedule a free 30-minute session and let’s see what can happen for you!
“The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives.” ~ Anthony Robbins
Blessings, Lee
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
i love the quote by Robbins and it is so true. I really like people who teach me with clear communication how i can best treat them…and also i enjoy people who respect me and what to know what i want and need to be my best. Thank you for rising up the conversation Coach Lee about boundaries…because this is something that is always changing and re arranging as we grow and develop. I personally like to share my boundaires with those around me in a soft and easy way…rather than the wild hands on the hips ranting way.
Yes, I agree Coach Helene. Boundaries are about loving yourself and others. The delivery of boundary messages are as important as the content themselves. We are responsible for both. It’s all part of that “love conversation!” Hugs!