The Favor Line & Forgiveness

Oh Darn…Dreams

Have you ever had one of those nights when you quasi-slept and it was mixed with dreams? That was my Saturday night.

These dreams were frustrating and even kind of on the dark side. When I woke up, I felt a myriad of feelings–and one burning question. Weren’t you done with this stuff?

Triggers & Other Fun Stuff

One conversation. That’s all it took to bring it all back.

I called my grandson in California. He is truly one of the joys of my life. We talked a bit and I could hear it—a flat affect. And it all came flooding back to me like a tsunami.

Only a little over a year ago, the lives for my son and his two kids came crashing down before their eyes. Much to my former daughter in-law’s displeasure, my son came back from Iraq alive—can you imagine? Alive.

They then moved to Japan to begin a family adventure. Adventure? Yes, but not as the family had dreamed about.

She began her own public adventure—a not-so-clandestine relationship with a married man. It was soups to nuts. And my 12-year-old grandson knew all about it. He buried himself in his computer games and anything else that would make the pain go away. He just hugged on his daddy continually.

Eventually, by no choice of his own, this wonderful boy was torn from his dad. All the time screaming, “No one asked me what I wanted.”

The Favor Line

There’s this line—albeit imaginary—called the favor line. We all have it. Who’s in? Who’s out? What’s right? What’s not? Does God love me? Does God not?

Then circumstances come and we measure with our favor lines.

Clearly my grandchildren have a favor line that exceeds my ability to even express it. But their mother…hummmm, not so much. She wanted my son dead. She cheated on my son. She took away his children. She won’t let me see them.

Where it got sticky for me was what do I do now?

Bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die!

And, more to the point, where was I on my own favor line?

Forgiveness

I knew my only choice was to forgive her. I did. And I’m glad. Her choices are hers. But my choices are mine.

So where does my dream come into this? The nugget is that much of my dreams had to do with me. I had not forgiven myself.

Forgiving others is the easy part. Forgiving ourselves is the hard part.

My personal indictment of me went something like this:
Why didn’t you do this?
You could have done this?
If only you’d done this?
You must not be a very good judge of character.
If only you’d been a better mother than this wouldn’t have happened?
You need to protect your grandkids—right now—figure it out.
She played you for 17 years and you didn’t see it.

Grace to the Max

The only thing left to do was to forgive Lee. Let me off the hook. Today. Now. Forever and ever. I did.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

Give yourself a gift today. Forgive yourself for what you believe that you might of, could of or should of done. Begin to love yourself in that way now…and fly like an eagle!

Blessings, Lee